I'm sorry

I'm sorry....

For giving up so easily...
For not being strong enough to beat this...

but i will... I promise I will...

today I got a phone call from sweet corinne. thank you so much. it meant the world to me that you are thinking of me.
I'm experiencing the hell on earth right now. but this is NOT the first time and it won't be the last. i did beat anxiety, depression a long time ago. and I can do it again... over and over again.
thanks for reminding me about that.

i had a visitor today. yeah, scrapbookrelated. It made me feel good. for the first time in such a long time. I'm going to clean up my studio before friday. And on friday i will start scrapping again. I know it will help me to find strength in it...

thank you all so much. i'm all in tears right now. tears of pain AND JOY. Eventhough i feel like garbage, i know that i can't let myself go... i need to fight. i need to fight...
you girls give me that strength to fight. i don't know how i can thank you all..

i love you ALL...

Remember NEVER GIVE UP... and I won't either...

i feel like i'm loosing this battle. but i don't want my children to grow up without a mother.
i have an appointment with my shrink in half an hour. i'm scared. i'm scared that they won't take me seriously...

please pray for me... because i don't have the energy to fight anymore.

i'm on my end...

i can't take it anymore... i just can't

I came home on friday and I'm NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT going back again.
they (the stupid doctor) is changing my medication AGAIN.... i changed 4 medication in 7 weeks time... what the heck....
they dropped all the medication I took to get through all of this disaster in 1 day... i suffered severe anxiety attacks because of it... but you know what's the worst part...

THURSDAY evening i got an epileptic attack... I had a total black out. I can't remember a thing of what happened. but they told me that I yelled and fell on the floor. I was shaking, there was bubbles coming out of my mouth. I bit on my tonque. (after 4 days I still don't have any feelings on my tonque)... i was gone for 15 minutes they say....

no, i didn't get any visit of a doctor or what so ever. my left arm is purple/black because of that incident.

so i decided that I will never go back there anymore. i want to be with my kids.
i'm in pain, my soul hearts... i miss my family, i miss scrapbooking, i miss being ME again. i'm not letting them destroy ME...

when I called them that I wasn't feeling well. they answered: What do you want from us, come there and hold your hand??????

gosh, i'm still reallly upset about this answer.

they let me suffer. and I suffered. my body can't take this at all... they don't pay attention to me at all... so it's better to be home then there right?

i'm going to fight here, with my children. with the people who really care about me....

THEY FUCKED ME UP... now i can't walk because I'm soooo dizzy... and that's all because of them....

please pray for me.... i really need it. i feel soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo alone...

DONT WORRY

i'm fighting hard to get better.
i'm in a home with 4 others and I get therapy. the clinic couldn't help me anymore...
but i can come home in the weekends.

i'm fighting really hard and i totally appreciate all of your supports

love you all

I came home yesterday... tonight I'm going to leave again. Everything is fine. please don't worry. It's hard. Hard to be away from my home and my family. It's hard to be away from my babies. It' s hard to deal with such fears. But I know i will be fine. I was strong my whole life and I will be stay strong no matter what.

I just want to share this clip with you...
It made me cry.... the most romantic clip i've ever saw...

A japanese clip with a turkish music...
Please watch it closely...

Here is a translation of the songtext.

Don't let the world turn without you
Don't let the fire in my heart go away
Let this song be our song
Let our love last for ever
Let your name be my ANGEL in my heart

Dont' let my EYES see without you (you will notice why this is in bold if you watch it)
Don't let my heart LOVE anybody
Let this song be our song
Let our love last for ever
Let your name be my ANGEL in my heart

Don't let my life end without you
Don't let seperation come in our way
Let this song be our song
let our love last forever
Let your name be my Angel in my heart.

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=LX8kJX2V_8g

Bye for now

GOOD BYE MY FRIENDS

I'm leaving for at least 2 weeks to a clinic. my panic attacks are getting worser...
I'm going to leave my babies behind. I feel so terrible. I will miss my babies sooooo much...
I hope that a mother never haves to experience this...
I love you my babies... WIth all my heart... BUt mommy needs to go. Mommy needs to get better and this is the only way... I will MISS YOU A LOT...

My friends... I'm hurt, life is just toooo hard on me... Why? I don't know. I want to be happy and healthy... But life has other plans with me... Now I have to leave my kids.

I'm crying all day. I know this is the best thing... But it still hurts...

Please keep my in your prayers. And never forget me...

love you all

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

Had a fun family party yesterday. I will post some pictures tomorrow...

And another happiness today... Dilara's hips are doing WONDERFUL.. So NOW she doesn't have to wear that thing (what do you call it again *ROLLING EYES*)

AND remember I was talking about Somerset Memories requesting 2 layouts of mine?? Well Make it 3 HEEHEEHEE...

See you later girls... thanks for all your well birthday wishes ;)