HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy happy happy newyear my friends. I hope this year will bring you all HEALTH and HAPPINESS.... See you next year with new layouts and new possibilities. I got the flu damned LOL. still need to take picture of corinnes layouts and present ;)

Happy new year....

MERRY CHRISTMAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIENDS... I JUST GOT BACK FROM MY CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY. IT WAS A LOT OF FUN..

HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A FANTASTIC CHRISTMAS

LOVE YOU AND I WILL UPLOAD SOME CHRISTMAS LAYOUTS THAT I DID FOR CORINNE DELIS...

BIG KISS TO YOU ALL

BEAUTY DAY AND A TOOT

this past week the weather over here is excellent. So today i'm going to take care of myself.
Put on my new bikini and lay down under the sun while my little sweet gorgeous alara is enjoying herself in here little private pool...
And tonight I'm planning to visit a friend.
i have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow morning. We are going to finally start with the therapy PHEW. Gosh, those people are really making me crazy. 4 years of my life i've waited for this moment. that i would get some help. and now FINAlly i'm getting it (I HOPE IT WILL HELP)

And I got an email from Jana Holstein from the magazine Somerset Memories. Such a sweet woman. she's asking how I'm doing. HOW SWEET.
and they want to publish another layout in their awesome magazine. i need to put together a step by step instruction. YAY..

I need to start scrapping soon. Because a dutch company wants me to work for them.. and ofcourse i have my magazine work.

Scrapping helped me to get through rough times. and now I have to use it again. thank you all my sweet friends all over the world for your encouraging words.

LOVE YOU ALL...

Will take some pics today to post here...

Need to go now. the sun is WAITING ;)

HERE I AM....

First I would like you to know that ALARA is hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... Gosh, How did I miss my little precious girl. today we are going to swim and bbq.... Now there is only 1 heartache... my other baby dilara... but i know i will have her back next month. So I can be a mommy again to my 2 angels...

There happened a lot in my life the last few months. Someone really BROKE my heart deep.... REALLY DEEP... It's still hurting... yes, it's not easy to forget... but I will eventually.
No Pain for someone who doesn't deserve it... NEVER AGAIN...

I have a lot of empty boxes here right now... alara and I will pack our house up and move to a place where no body can find us...

I signed out from hyves.nl... because of the memories there... I'm not looking back there again... for good. now it's time to move forward... to a fresh new life with the experiences i learned this past few months.

Maybe i will have a new career... Some people asked me to teach dancing classes... SHAKE THAT ASS GIRL bwahahahaha....

love you all so much girls... and when I'm moved i will start working on my scrapbook career too... i want to have my scrapbooking back... and this time i will be using a lot of PAINT... in all the extreme ways... believe me...
investment returns
but after all of this, i gained a few good friends and i learned AGAIN how MUCH I LOVE MY KIDS... they're my WORLD... NO BODY, YES, NO BODY CAN TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME... EVEN YOU (he knows what I'm talking about, but i dont' think he's reading this blog)

look at the BOTTOM OF THIS BLOG... you will see a male TURKISH DELIGHT...
My favorite turkish singer TARKAN..

i will keep you updated

love and peace to you all

Long time no blogging. i'm sorry for that..
there happened a lot in my life. I didn't scrap for a while now. but i will... I promise.

Every thing happens for a reason. but there are some people that are making me really nuts. I'm not going to waste my time talking about it...

i'm planning to start my life all over again... i didn't see my kids for about a month now. they are in germany with my husbands family... i want to divorce... many of you know that... i have my reasons for it... that i can't tell here...

wish me luck girls... i really need that

love you alllllllllll

I FOUND ....

WORK...

today i'm going to work there for just one day to see if it is something I can do. I'm so excited. please pray for me that I won't have any panic attacks over there.

sorry for the late update. i'm feeling much better. thanks to you guys.
love you all

Corinne delis: sorry, your present will took a little longer time.... I'm working on it....

Love you all

WIE O WIE

sorry i need to write in dutch...

Wie o wie wil elfen boetseren. ik heb 5 mensen nodig minimaal om een workshop bij mij thuis te laten gebeuren. de kosten zijn 126 euro geloof ik... (misschien iets meer)
ik wil het heel graag maar de vrouw die de workshop geeft komt alleen als er minimaal 6 mensen zijn... wie o wie heeft interesse???

hier is haar website:
http://www.wilmascreaties.nl/index2.htm

het is echt superleuk... een fantastische hobby... wie o wie heeft er interesse in???
laat het me weten...


okay, now in english.... I'm about to go to the painting class ;)

see ya later...

PAINTING GROUP

First I would like to thank all of you for your support during my hard times (especially Corinne Delis, such a sweet woman with an GOLDEN heart)... I'm feeling better and I'm GOD thankful for it.

Yesterday i started joining a painting group. It's right around the corner but I'm afraid to go there by myself :( So my dad drove me there... And guess what... I walked back home afterwards... YEAH...

I'm going to that group again over 45 minutes... I'm going alone with my bike... EEEEKKKK... I'm scared but I know I can do it...

Oh, and I started an oilpainting of Sandra Bullock... My favorite movie star... She doesn't look like sandra bullock yet, but she will I hope LOL...

Love you all...
I will post pictures soon...

and figo is doing fine... I'm going outside with him...

the kids are gone ALL DAY... so I'm planning to scrapbook this afternoon...




BIG VIRTUAL HUG TO ALL MY ONLINE FRIENDS...

I FEEL .....

GOOD

Yes really, i feel good.
It feels like the dark clouds are dissapearing... Thank you so much corinne Delis... You changed my life.... Love you...

And guess what... We bought a puppy... Uhmmm he is 10 weeks old but big... Not a small doggy LOL. Sorry, i don't have a picture to share yet. but his name is...

FIGO....

It's the name of our first dog... we needed to give her away due to circumstances... We miss still miss her everyday...

Tomorrow i'm going to scrapbook. I am going to work on that valentine project and try to create a layout. Step by step I'm coming into scrapping again. but i don't want to rush anything.

thank you all sooooo much
love you all

IT'S 2:38 AM

I'm sorry... I can't tell you that i am feeling good these past days since my last post. Every morning I get up with a very painfull feeling. I called the shrink and went there to talk about it on friday 1 pm. they told me that i need to go through this. it's all because of the new medication bla bla bla.

THEY MESSED ME UP... they changed 4 anti-depressiva in 8 weeks time... UNBELIEVABLE... Ofcourse my body is giving up... But I'm NOT.
They want to change my medication again... NO... this far and NOT further... Over my dead body... I DON'T WANT THEM TO MESS ME UP AGAIN... once these medication start to work (in a couple of weeks) I can't handle it to go all through this again. NO WAY...

Today i visited Ali Edwards blog. She made the cutest valentine album. So eventhough i'm feeling like dying inside i started 1 too. It will take me ages to finish it but at least i got something to do.

please pray for me girls. pray that these bad feelings will go away...SOON...

I found my word for 2008 (inspired by Ali Edwards): HOPE....
Hope for a better life... Hope for HEALTH and HAPPINESS...
HOPE that has left me. and I want it back...

i'm trying really hard... believe me... I'm fighting really hard to beat this... And I won't give up... for now...

IT'S 3:36 AM

I slept from 7 pm till now. I just couldn't hold it anymore. Every day I'm feeling a tiny bit better and that's a huge thing. I'm thinking about what's important in my life. My kids... My kids are my everything. I had times when I thought i couldn't handle them... Times that they both cried and i was crying with them. Now it's like music to my ears. hearing them crying, laughing, talking in their own way. God, that's the most beautiful sound in the world.
I always wanted to have a clean and tidy house. So I got mad every time my girls messed it up. Now I don't care anymore. Make a mess my babies... You are what counts... Your happiness, OUR happiness is what counts.
My husband... I got frustrated every time he played a game on the computer. But I didn't realise how close he was to us... Everytime something happened or we wanted his attention HE GAVE IT TO US... NOW i don't care anymore. I couldn't ask for a better husband. If he likes to play. play my baby... Your happiness is my happiness.

When your health turns upside down. You will realise what's important and what NOT. You will realise how we take every day for granded... NO NO NO NO... Every day is a gift that GOD is giving to us. Look around you... And look at the things that you forgot. Did you call your mother/father today? Did you hugged your babies and told them how much you love them? Did you make your husband happy by just 1 kiss?? that's what mathers my friends.... that's the main thing we live for but we forget in our busy lives.

Now i'm going to kiss my sleeping babies and my hubby. Go kiss yours... Tell them how important they are before it's too late...

Sorry, i'm a bit emotional... but i'm a person that believes that everything happens for a reason... and what happened to me has opened my eyes.

Family and friends are what mathers... Go, do something to make them happy. and enjoy their happiness... Like I said... their happiness is OUR happiness...

good night my friends.... I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU. NEVER FORGET THAT..... YOU CAN NEVER IMAGINE HOW HAPPY YOU ARE MAKING ME WITH YOUR COMMENTS, EMAILS AND CALLS. I FEEL LOVED.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry....

For giving up so easily...
For not being strong enough to beat this...

but i will... I promise I will...

today I got a phone call from sweet corinne. thank you so much. it meant the world to me that you are thinking of me.
I'm experiencing the hell on earth right now. but this is NOT the first time and it won't be the last. i did beat anxiety, depression a long time ago. and I can do it again... over and over again.
thanks for reminding me about that.

i had a visitor today. yeah, scrapbookrelated. It made me feel good. for the first time in such a long time. I'm going to clean up my studio before friday. And on friday i will start scrapping again. I know it will help me to find strength in it...

thank you all so much. i'm all in tears right now. tears of pain AND JOY. Eventhough i feel like garbage, i know that i can't let myself go... i need to fight. i need to fight...
you girls give me that strength to fight. i don't know how i can thank you all..

i love you ALL...

Remember NEVER GIVE UP... and I won't either...

i feel like i'm loosing this battle. but i don't want my children to grow up without a mother.
i have an appointment with my shrink in half an hour. i'm scared. i'm scared that they won't take me seriously...

please pray for me... because i don't have the energy to fight anymore.

i'm on my end...

i can't take it anymore... i just can't

I came home on friday and I'm NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT going back again.
they (the stupid doctor) is changing my medication AGAIN.... i changed 4 medication in 7 weeks time... what the heck....
they dropped all the medication I took to get through all of this disaster in 1 day... i suffered severe anxiety attacks because of it... but you know what's the worst part...

THURSDAY evening i got an epileptic attack... I had a total black out. I can't remember a thing of what happened. but they told me that I yelled and fell on the floor. I was shaking, there was bubbles coming out of my mouth. I bit on my tonque. (after 4 days I still don't have any feelings on my tonque)... i was gone for 15 minutes they say....

no, i didn't get any visit of a doctor or what so ever. my left arm is purple/black because of that incident.

so i decided that I will never go back there anymore. i want to be with my kids.
i'm in pain, my soul hearts... i miss my family, i miss scrapbooking, i miss being ME again. i'm not letting them destroy ME...

when I called them that I wasn't feeling well. they answered: What do you want from us, come there and hold your hand??????

gosh, i'm still reallly upset about this answer.

they let me suffer. and I suffered. my body can't take this at all... they don't pay attention to me at all... so it's better to be home then there right?

i'm going to fight here, with my children. with the people who really care about me....

THEY FUCKED ME UP... now i can't walk because I'm soooo dizzy... and that's all because of them....

please pray for me.... i really need it. i feel soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo alone...

DONT WORRY

i'm fighting hard to get better.
i'm in a home with 4 others and I get therapy. the clinic couldn't help me anymore...
but i can come home in the weekends.

i'm fighting really hard and i totally appreciate all of your supports

love you all